I have been doing well for the most part. Life is super busy. I have to maintain a balance between research, classes, and social life. Sometimes, its hard. My routine has changed significantly since the beginning of the semester. I used to mentally shut down at 10 PM. Last night, I worked on an assignment until midnight. This probably will be a routine for this semester, as I took courses without a final exam, thinking it will make life easy. Turns out, the weekly assignments are not fun either. Overall, I am happy. Being busy keeps you from engaging in negative thinking, however not denying that sometimes I could not help but question myself.
There are many things that come to my head. Thanks to my optimism, I counter most of them effectively. One of the biggest doubt that came to my head was that how can people “change” so drastically. Like, in the beginning of the interactions, everyone is nice and going out of their way to make you happy and win you over. With time, and specially if you let them win you (yes, “let them”), they start being less interested and less fuzzy than usual. Ok, understood, its the male hormones and all the “pulling back”. Then, there is a “poof” and they should you their worst. Of course, the first tendency for you is to blame yourself. Some friends dont help either. Fingers are pointed at the way you interacted and the message you conveyed. My question is however that, no matter how bad someone is to me, would it make me change my core values over an argument which is not conducted in a manner that meets the criteria of politeness?
Ok, I agree. Sometimes, the only thing you can do in response to an argument is to just be silent. I would do it too. But then, when the silence prolongs and you deny the other person any chance to explain themselves or forgiveness (given you have been in the very same position in the past and were awarded chances), to me this indicates a problem on your part. No, I did not change you. I just unmasked the tendency you always had. It is very idealistic to expect people will not have argument. Not all of us are trained in conflict resolution. You backing off in the most emotionally abusive way is just a reflection of your personality. I refuse to take it personally!
I have forgiven people for many things. However, when I needed the same compassion and empathy from them, they refused to return the favor. It makes me wonder if the chances and forgiveness I have given to them was actually worth it.
Most of my bad experiences of forgiveness have been with men unfortunately. I dont mean to sound like a man hatter, but this is my conclusion so far. When you forigve a man, instead of taking that as an act of kindness from you, he percieves that as something he deserves because he was never wrong in the first place. When it is time for him to forgive you, he will refuse to do the act of kindness because you have hurted him so badly, that he cannot get over it for the next few years of his life.
To err is human. As people, with limited power over our emotions we are bound to make mistakes. I cannot name a single person I know who has never made a single mistake in his/her dealing with other people. Sometimes these mistakes are as small and sometimes they are major.
I have made many mistakes in my life in dealing with other people. The mistakes are not one sided. Something triggers the reaction that leads to an emotional reaction from me. Sometimes, they are made because something is brewing in my heart and I cannot express myself so it builds up. Whatever the case is, I have always trusted and forgiven the people I loved and who mattered to me.
I think most of the time, reasons for forgivness are selfish. We forgive because we wan to salvage the relation for some reason. This is not a bad selfishness because it keeps things going. Other times, we forgive because we believe ourselves to be better than others and want to prove that point. Sometimes the reasons are purely selfless.
My point is that, if you want any relation to work, you have to accept the fact that people will make mistakes and you should have the will to forigve them after processing your feelings. If you dont do that, it does not mean that the person who made the mistake has done something unforgivable, because you may have abused them even worse in the past. It just means you dont want to deal with it anymore!
Acceptance is the key to happiness, and so is forgiveness. Last night I thought about the incidents that made me angry and list of people I was still mad at. I decided to let everything go. No, not because it is still tying me to the past. To be honest, I dont know why. There was just this urge in my heart to break free from the negative thoughts and let it be.
On another note, news about Huma Abedin’s separation from her husband was the highlight at the channels. I always admired Huma for her achievements, fashion and tolerance of her husband. However she is unlucky when it comes to love and choosing a husband. It is her private matter, but as a woman, I could not stop thinking if she could have done anything differently. I dont think so. She did everything she could including giving herself and her husband enough chances. But maybe second chances are a waste of time anyway. People rarely change.
I have been struggling with my emotions for about two weeks now. I am most surprised at the ability of the human body and soul to heal. It takes a while, but the ultimate destination for us is to feel better. I wonder, if the anxiety we feel while feeling bad is because of the fact that our bodies and souls want to achieve the peace we long for? And until we get there, our bodies and souls send us constant reminders of being in pain and in the state of struggle.
Anyway, I woke up feeling much neutral this morning. Yesterday I spoke to a friend about the incident I went through. She said that she believes that I am a very trusting person and people go out of their way to gain my trust as well. I do not think being trusting is a bad thing. It is however bad to trust someone who has a history of betraying you constantly!
I have to constantly remind myself that the thing that has been taken away from me was not the best thing to start with. There were glaring red flags which I caught and ignored (yet again). I strive to be more positive and compassionate, but I am still struggling to learn to draw a line, where enough is enough. I do not want to blame anyone or focus on all the negative aspects because at one time, it was the best option and for sure there were many positive traits. However as it happened in the past, when you start losing people, relation or things you start analyzing yourself much more than anything else.
My mental state is that of confusion. I know I was being played around. Or maybe not? Maybe I am paranoid. But I was patient at times too? I gave the thing many chances to prove itself. I decided I would tone down my expectations so the major complaint that the thing had from me would be resolved, but guess what? I was frustrated and extremely annoyed because I could not even express my anger or talk about it.
One thing is clear to me. I expect certain standards. I will allow the thing to get away for a while but after that it gets to me. I am impatient, I will express my anger and I will be unhappy at times. But I am confident that this is one side of my personality that comes out when I am insecure. If I give my commitment to a thing, the least I can or let us say the most important thing for me or anyone else is the sense of security. However in the absence of that, I cant be all nice and unconditional. As Marilyn Monroe famous said: ”
I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
Sometimes you know a certain thing is not good. You know the side effects and you know the consequences. Some people like me are too nice. We are too nice (or at least we think) to say no or break hearts. That is why universe takes control and have others break our hearts. We long for forgiveness despite the fact we had no reason to apologize for in the first place. My question is that, despite all this insight that what we wanted in the first place was bad, why the absence of it hurts so much? How long does it take to heal? Will this cycle end soon?
Sometimes I want to blame myself. I feel like I had been through so much in life, being rejected by so many people, being a failure in many relationships, it must have something to do with me. I am doing something wrong. I question myself if I have learnt anything at all from my past relationships. Am I not compromising enough? Am I insulting others without realizing it?
I consider myself to be a very strong, independent and fierce women. Such individual can love the other person to insults. It is a big deal to me if the person I care about disappears without any trace, and if they come back, I cant let them get away with it easily. This has always been a problem and I am paying a price for overreacting to “such a small issue” this time.
No, I am not arrogant, I am ready to change. I have changed a lot over the past couple of years. I am more self aware and compassionate than I used to be. But at the same time, I have some rules. I have an expectation to be understood. Even when I am mad, I am in love. It is my limitation that I cant stop myself from caring and expressing concern. Sometimes our emotions take the best of us, but is it not true that the people who claim to be in love with us understand that our anger is a reaction to something and behind this anger is a feeling of being concerned? Yes, we are all work in progress and I will learn something out of this, but at the same time I set myself free of the blame that I am the one who contributes to the problem!
We women are funny creatures. We long for a relation and love. We give and give and give until we can no more. We know that things are not going well, yet we live in denial. We give the last one chance that we craved for ourselves. We keep that animal called ego in check for the longest time possible. We believe in miracles. We believe our love can change. We think ultimately they will realize our worth and change. But the thing is that, people hardly change. When you give up on something, you do not change yourself either. You detach from the issue that you have been trying to resolve because the other person refuses to change, and it takes two to tango.
I hate ego. I think it is a very destructive emotion. Some people are driven by their egos. They cannot separate ego from their hearts/emotions and minds. However ego is not necessarily bad, especially when you realize its time to walk away. A little ego helps you retain the self respect that you kept losing giving the other person the chances they never deserved or never took advantage of. For me, today is the day when I bring my ego in between me and the one thing I was trying to change. I hope I wont regret this decision because I came to this point after trying for a while. Looking forward to seeing the after affects.
I came across so many articles recommending that writing a few words every morning could lead to a happier day. I think this gave me the motivation I had been lacking to re-write. Life is good, I have joined a lab for dissertation. My science is interesting and I believe my work will have an impact. My goal is to find the best combination of chemotherapy drugs that can improve treatment outcome for variety of cancers. I find my work to be very rewarding and satisfying. This gives me the motivation and reason to jump out of the bed every morning. I also do not have any classes in the summer session. This makes life easy as I can spend more time in the lab on bench and be productive. Right now I am thinking about repeating most of my experiments so I can be confident of my data. My life is driven by science these days. However its not the only thing I am doing. I have established a good social circle. Overall I think I am living a balanced life. I need to however include working out in my routine. The gym is closed for summer and I am struggling with working out at home..I do hope I can fix this soon.